Journal Entry: Fear is the Enemy

Last night I was too afraid to leave my house to buy cigarettes. With the news of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile dominating my news feed, I was scared. Not too scared to leave my house at all, just afraid enough to question the cost-benefit balance to wonder if it made buying cigarettes very unimportant. I woke up this morning to news of five police officers being shot in Dallas and I worried even more.  I've been avoiding the news for fear of being afraid. I mean I am scared and angry and worried about how things could escalate into chaos, but this is the world I have always lived in. I may be scared now, but the violence against black men isn’t a new phenomenon. It’s just coming into focus.

M3 Life Journal August 8, 2015

In this video I talk about going to weight watchers for the first time in nine months. I talk about tracking and measuring success and how there is no finish line. Success is getting to the point where you enjoy what you're doing and it becomes part of your daily life. Tracking your progress is simply a way for you to adjust your program when necessary. 

Editor's Note for December 20, 2014

So I’ve been thinking about reviving my blog for 2015. It’s something in the back of my mind for sometime now. I started by creating a Wordpress.com blog and testing it out. I really like the features that they have over Blogger, but it seems like it’s not worth the immediate investment. I want to post on my personal blog and so I will think about reviving my video blogging especially since I now have my iPhone 6 plus. It does open me up to criticism from everyone and that can be scary especially since there are a lot of assholes out in the world, but at the same time we’re all vulnerable to these types of people and it’s best that I build up my tolerance for them now.

M3 Life Journal 7-29-14

Sometimes we just need to get int he door. For me it can be staying focused on the here and now and not trying to get too far ahead of myself.  What are some of your straggles for calming your anxiety about going tot he gym?

Video Journal 7-28-14

I respond to some of the criticisms that I privately received. I have to admit that it is character building even if at first I didn't want to hear some of the things that were said. I needed to strengthen my own skin and accept that even intelligent people will not always see things for what they are. I explain that M3 is not really a blog meant to be filled with a panel of experts, but rather we are a group of friends who talk about our experiences and try to spark a dialogue within our community that is contractive and entertaining. We not excluding white people, straight people, or thin people from our blog. We just happen to be who we are and we welcome anyone who is interested to be a part of of M3. But we're proud to be bears of color and as frustrated as I can be with some of the hangouts, I still stand by my contributors. II know I need to take criticism better and in the end reading this was probably helpful. I also made it to the gym today and finished my article even though I was dead tired. I think the working out think is really giving me some mojo and I really like it.

Video Journal 7-27-14

I'm not sure how I became the head of a website with so many moving parts. I'm not sure how I got into so much over the past year but I know that I'm not a natural leader, but I do want what's best for M3. I hope that is enough. I'd rather not get into he details of what is going on but I know that at some point I'm going to have to talk top the parties involved and figure out what's going on. We've been a really tight knit group and I would love for that to continue, but at the same time I can't really control anything except how I react to it. I chilled most of the day and I haven't written in a few days. I hope that I finish my article for Wednesday tonight or tomorrow, but we'll see.

Video Journal 7-26-14

I made it through the hangout today though it really was much more difficult without Breeze there to keep things moving along. I really got the feeling that I was the only one taking it seriously, at least times it just broke out into a gab fest where it was much more of a game than a show. Still I suppose I may have learned some things from today's hangout. One is that I really do have to have a serious talk with the guys about conduct on air. It's just not what I want it to be. I did manage to get a walk in today before the hangout, but after I just slept and read a few books. Think I'm going to get a drink and call it a night,

Video Journal 7-25-14

Having to get ready for the hangout tomorrow. I haven't gotten enough sleep and I haven't finished my article. I'm thinking I need some more help getting all of this done and no one besides Breeze is really going to do any of the work that needs to be done. Before I had in mind working cooperatively, but now I've become a lot more cynical about what people are really willing to do without getting paid. The irony is I want to get paid, but these things have to get done first. Did my workout on the elliptical and will be going back tomorrow. The eating plan in working out, though I have been snacking a lot more.

Video Journal 7-24-14

Lost seven pounds today at weight watchers. Seems like it was another day altogether. It was a pretty long day got some shopping done and managed to go for a walk. Scheduled nearly 30 posts for the Tumblr and I'm exhausted. I wanted to have a first draft of my article ready for tomorrow, maybe I will have it. I also go some hate from Google that I really don't know to deal with. I just don't have time to check all of my messages. I think I do pretty good maybe I can find a way to fit it in somehow. Maybe check it on my phone or something. Also still not sore from the gym so I didn't over do it, but I still need some rest.

Video Journal 7-23-14

I do have a lot to learn about communication and relationships. I guess that's why I find them so interesting. I do read a lot about it because I've had to learn a lot to get to where I am today. I also managed to add some leg work to my workout today. I think I will be doing more of that. I'm going to take tomorrow off and get some business done, but when I get back here I'll let you know who it works out. Trying to get everything done before before I call Breeze. Got some more written on my article about capitalism and the idea of productive selfishness. Feel like I'm getting most everything I need done before I talk to Breeze but I could work faster.

Video Journal 7-22-14

Just got back from the gym. I've got to make it earlier. I almost missed the elliptical I like to use. I also realized I'm facing a dilemma about the video journal and just how much personal information to divulge. I kept having these internal arguments in my head all day and I can't reasonably talk about my day without mentioning it. I don't confront people in life hardly enough so I run this loop of the things I would have said but didn't. Maybe I should explore some of that in a private journal. I also haven't been tracking. but I made chicken soup with lentils and it tastes amazing.

Video Journal 7-21-14

Though about my grandmother today since it would be her 105th birthday today. Started on my new article for the Male Media Mind about capitalism. I'm having to come to terms with the idea that no one really care about you, but only what you can do for them. I'm strangely ok with that. At least it's honest and it pushes me to have something to offer to the world. I'm not worthless if I don't have anything anyone wants, but it's basically the only way people get to know my inner self is through what I can show them. I also scheduled nearly 20 posts for the tumblr today. I'm not sure how I'm going to fit them all in but I'd rather have too many than not enough.

Video Journal 7-20-14

Finished my article today on spirituality and am starting my next piece on capitalism and what the world expects out of each of us. Didn't do much tracking on weight watchers today, though all I did was eat out of my big pot of chicken a rice. I probably need to work on that. I'm maintaining my schedule of post on tumblr, but it is a little difficult. I need a better system.

Video Journal 7-19-14

I managed to get to the gym early this morning. I was much more happy and awake before and after the hangout after getting a workout in. I may have finished my article of gay spirituality, but I still haven't found time to finish editing it yet. I placed it in the draft editor and will polish up some more. On to the next article. Tracked my chili today it was not the culprit of my weight gain. Glad I did the tracking I needed to.  

Video Journal 7-18-14

Finally went to get a haircut today it's been a long while. The first draft of my article. Changing some things up on the M3 Tumblr. I'm happy to read a lot, but at the same time I don't want to clutter up the Facebook. I'm needing to getting more sleep. I'm trying to get that under control. I still feel I'm sometimes uncomfortable encounters about getting over my social anxiety. I.m also tracking a lot more closely

Video Journal 7-17-14

Gained two pounds this past weeks. I think about the word hubris when I consider that when I think I know what I'm doing and I slack off.

I am excited about make the M3 Tumblr malemediamind.tumblr.com an awesome news and entertainment tumblr for the bears of color who want to be informed about current events

Made a few breakthroughs on my article about gay spirituality. Hopefully i will finish it tomorrow

Thinking about buying a king size bed for my bedroom

Video Journal for 7-16-14

Spirituality and dualism - the separation of body and spirit has led to a great deal of harm to people because they're forced to view their naturally occurring desires as evil  In the process of reading The Color Purple I tried reading in the pastI need to clean up my beard I have a weight watchers meeting tomorrow.  Hoping for a good result. Still working out on the regular, but not getting consistent results like I would like. We'll see how tomorrow goes.I would like to add some cooking videos to the mix of my video blogging efforts. I'm sure what I'm doing can be helpful to those trying to lose weight.

Journal for 7-15-14

Started blogging for three new or updated Tumblr Blogs Updated the M3 tumblr and am making it a little difficult to get all the writing done that I wanted to. the blog links are below.

My personal Tumblr http://mtravers32.tumblr.com/

The New M3 Tumblr http://malemediamind.tumblr.com/

The M3 Life Tumblr http://malemediamindlife.tumblr.com/

Post Hangout Notes for May 3, 2014

Whenever I start planning for the M3 Weekly Hangout each Saturday morning I've very anxious. I'm anxious about everything anyway, but the biggest fear is that I will not have anyone show up. People have their own lives, and there is the real possibility that no one will show up except for Breeze. I just never thought he and I could do the show own our own. Part of what makes the hangouts so lively is the number of contributors we usually have. Without any guests where would all the dialogue come from? I'm nervous that we would be there all alone and have to cancel.

A Learning Process

I'm doing a lot of reading a writing lately/ Mostly it's due to M3 blog and discussions. I want to keep my mind sharp, but lately I've been questioning its effectiveness. I feel like I've been here before. Back in my early twenties I bought hundreds of books on writing and scanned them into my computer. I read them, but I didn't retain much of what I read. I want to take a moment to see what I can do differently.