Wednesday, June 10, 2015

The full comment for M3 Bear Essentials: Relationship Status Resposibility



View the video here

After looking at the video from the M3 website, I was a little concerned about the entire conversation. It appeared the commentary attempted to downplay relationships as just a minor, insignificant occurrence that just happens in peoples lives every now then - no big deal, mixed with the ever popular “you’re not missing out on anything”. I found it especially troubling that some of the comments appeared to automatically place men in a category who strive to have a lasting relationship as deficient in self-esteem or are emotionally lacking in some areas. As someone who has never been in a relationship, I happen to find that this is just another example of blaming the victim. Often times those who yearn for a relationship have done nothing wong to hinder their chances - many happen to be a victim of circumstance. Instead of focusing on the individual(s) who are not as lucky in finding love, I wish the conversation would have explored some reasons as to WHY the black gay community finds itself having high numbers of long-term singled men and tips on how to find someone for those who do in fact struggle. I find that these conversations tend to place the burden of responsibility (or blame) on those who are single long term, rather than encouraging characteristics that would ultimately help them find the love the wish to have. Its not always the fault of the individual for the reason(s) they are single. At some point, we as black gay men will need to discuss the root cause of this matter.


Thanks for acknowledging and receiving the feedback. I too agree that being comfortable and sociable as a single man is very much an important step - but what happens when that is not enough? I would venture to say that some of these men who are (or have been) single for long periods of time at some point learned to live with or adjust to that status in their lives. I would also hope to think that some of these men have made valiant attempts to try and find love in some form or fashion. The reality is however that luck isn't always an ally in helping making love happen. The circumstances that keep men from finding love are as long and complex as the structure of DNA, which is why I become troubled when discussions such as this are usually slanted toward the single person and not tackling the many factors that cause it. Part of the reason why I believe the deeper conversation cannot be had is because discussing such topics become emotionally charged with accusations of being "judgmental" or "critical" thrown too readily in the mix. I believe there is not a sizable culture of gay men who are "pro-relationship", and exhibit characteristics as well as promote avenues that develop and foster these relationships on a wider scale. I also believe that attitudes toward sex (or the reservation thereof), dating, the never truly honest discussion of "preferences" and how we implement them, and the general way black gay treat each other plays a major part in the high numbers of long-term singled men. I've always believed that if you wanna know life from the perspective of a gay man who's been singled long term, simply ask them.
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