I sometimes can't believe that I am the way that I am. To describe myself would be to miss the point, but I know I don't see the world like most people do. Sometimes I have to admit I like the fact that I'm different. It doesn't mean that the the way I see the world is valuable or even interesting to anyone outside my own skull, but it does mean my life will be more difficult. It means that in some ways I'll I will always be a a little separate from others. Sure that's unfair and I could be upset, but what's the point? I mean I will still be the same way and nothing will change.
Change. I want things to change. It's funny that they will change no matter what I want, but I want to be the author of that change. Does that mean I have already starting changing by just admitting that I want it to change? I think so. Maybe. We'll see. I can only say what I want now. My emotions are always so volatile that I'm not sure how I will feel a week from now. When the day comes that I have so little hope about the future that I can barley find a reason to get out of bed will it matter that I wrote this post? Probably not. But still I feel pretty good right now.
It did the elliptical 75 minutes today. Usually I only do about 35 minutes followed up by a swim, but because of the holiday I've missed a few workouts so I was pretty rested. Still I went past my previously determined limits because my circumstances had changed. I have no idea why I was capable of lasting that long and thought I would have passed out, but at least this day I went further than I ever have before. What does that say about all my other thoughts I have about myself? Am I just holding myself back with my previous preconceptions of who I am? Am I just who I say I am? It doesn't matter what I do I have to have some idea of who I am, and because it's an idea I could be wrong. Whatever limits and notions I have about the world and myself could be wrong. It's a pretty liberating idea in some regard because things could be a lot better than I imagine. But again then again that's just a thought too so I could be wrong about being wrong in some infinite loop and nothing means anything but what I say it does in this moment. So what am I supposed to think? I guess that's why I'm here maybe one day I'll figure it out.
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